NT Scan, nursery plans, and oy vey this fitness journey…oh, and VBAC.

I have been bad and neglected to update after the NT scan! Everything looked perfect. There really is absolutely nada to update you with on that front other than my little one is growing and growing and growing and healthy and active. He or she has a face! And arms and legs and fingers and toes and a beautiful (yes, beautiful) spine. He or she likes to dance when the camera is on. 😉 Ohhh maybe there is one update. Our due date has been changed to Nov 27th! Yes, the day after Thanksgiving. Oh boy.

Speaking of due dates…I’m going to attempt a VBAC. I will not be disappointed if I don’t get it as I had fully planned on a repeat c-section, but in Germany they default you to VBAC. Honestly, the recovery would be much easier since we are OCONUS and have no immediate family here to help with Teddy. I’m pretty scared. I don’t even know what labor feels like. So this will get interesting. Expect many terrified posts in the future featuring me googling every single little thing I’m supposed to do to prepare for this.

Now…the “nursery”. This is baby number 2 and we will be moving again before he or she is 2 years old. There will be no nursery in the “decorated room of baby stuff” sense. We will have a crib and changing station in the guest room and that will be all! A bassinet in our room as well for the first few weeks, as our kid/guest rooms are half a floor up from the master bedroom (German house designs are…interesting). I feel like this makes me weird. Decorating a nursery is quite literally the farthest thing from my mind. I have no desire to! If this were our permanent home, then absolutely I’d want to give my child a room that reflects him or her a bit but considering our situation, I don’t think it matters at all here. Oh well. Random thoughts.

Fit pregnancy is going well! I hate that I get weighed mid-day with all my clothes on at the doc. I know I should start weighing myself at home for better monitoring of it all…but that’s scary. Maybe next week I will finally brave it. I’m eating well and working out daily. Nothing too intense! But I’m getting all of my steps it and getting my heart pumping…I’m also doing light yoga for stretching and light weights! It feels amazing to be active again, I can’t stress that enough. I feel accomplished and I feel more optimistic each time I step off of that elliptical.

Soooo those are the updates right now. I’m hoping to know the sex of the behbeh at my next appointment on June 25…I will be about 18 weeks give or take a day, so it’s definitely possible. You hear lots of “horror stories” about German docs in this area getting it wrong, though. I am just so stoked to know either way!

God bless you, exercise ball.

My exercise ball has been reinflated and is single-handedly saving my hips. Who knew? I just bounce on it when I’m hurting and it helps somehow.

I’ve added light (5 lb) free weights to the routine now, just arm work and shoulder work. My arms have melted since moving here and stopping my Vinyasa practice.

Hallelujah!

Mommy craves…

By some holy miracle, I have been craving healthy-ish things. At the top of my list these days?? Turkey wraps! COLD (gasp! pearl clutch!) turkey wraps! With full fat mayo, because yum, and loads of lettuce, because double yum. I use the prepackaged turkey. The deli at Spangdahlem pre-slices all of their meat every morning and then pulls from those selections when you order and that is just GROSS and seems to me like a breeding ground for bacteria. So pre-packaged meats and cheese…no big deal. I’d buy the meat on the economy, but honestly it’s intimidating to approach a German deli counter in a town where they legit speak no English and try to order meat when you have aversions to EVERYTHING.

And really, they don’t speak English here. I am 45 minutes away from Spangdahlem. There are barely any Americans in the Mosel Valley. “Sprichst du English?” “NEIN!” They mean it. Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch…and I mean it. Anyhoochie.

The next craving? Carrot sticks and ranch dressing. I know, I know…Ranch dressing isn’t “healthy”. Blah blah blah. Everything can be “healthy” in moderation (ok, not everything…but you know what I mean, people). The carrots here on the economy are SO delicious. It’s hard to explain. They aren’t as ginormous as our coo coo bananas American produce (and I’m not super crazy about eating all organic, so don’t get it confused. Although organic veggies and fruits make life easier, as the Germans are teaching me through experience), but they are so sweet and fresh and the crunch is amazing. I love them.

Finally: freshly baked baguette with local honey drizzle, brie cheese, and cold green seedless grapes. Holy mother of God. And before you freak out, the brie is pasteurized apparently. But whatever.

Funny story about pregnancy restrictions for all of the pearl clutchers (although I’m not sure if you made it past the cold turkey revelation): I craved a vanilla milkshake. Sweet, caring husband drove all the way to Spangdahlem to see if they had my beloved Blue Bell French Vanilla at the commissary; they had only plain vanilla but it’s just as good (because BLUE BELL HI) and I was thrilled. We had the tastiest milkshakes that night. The next day Blue Bell issued its recall for Listeria. It was in that moment that I said “fuck it” and decided to eat what I want within reason. If I don’t trust the source, then I won’t eat it. But I could have gotten Listeria from Blue Bell ice cream, and you don’t hear doctors and self-proclaimed pregnancy gurus warning against the dangers of carton ice cream.

Vive la vie le coldcut!

Today in the “I will be a healthy pregnant person!” chronicles…

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, super easy and slow. I felt accomplished! Halfway to my steps goal for the day and it’s only 1pm just about.

Did some grocery shopping at the Edeka earlier, and stocked up on some healthier snacks (which I have actually been craving!). Brie, baguette, and grapes…carrots to dip in Ranch (shut up, it’s better than the other snack items in my pantry!). Veggies for my wraps. I did good!

I finally did the math on what I actually weigh now. about 140-145. This means that I’ve put on about 25 lbs since moving to Germany in June. That’s actually not that bad, considering I stopped watching what I ate for a long while, and started drinking again, had two failed pregnancies, stopped running, and am now pregnant again. That’s actually not bad at all.

So all in all, maintaining my health should be a lot easier than I was thinking, and I should bounce back a lot more easily if I can maintain this for the most part, as well as maintain my physical activity.

I think the key here will be holding myself accountable. Forgive me for my future boring accountability posts, readers.

Just for fun, at the tail end of the 1st Tri.

How did you find out you were pregnant?  By peeing on every single HPT I could find. And then some.

What kind of Pregnancy test did you take?  FRER and wondfo blue handle

How many?  You don’t want to know. More than fifty, including my wondfo tests

What were your 1st symptoms?  Heightened smell, and a crying spell. Every time I get my first positive HPT, I tend to have a crying spell the night before. This time was no different.

Who did you tell first?  Husband

Who was with you when you found out?  Me, myself, and I.

My 1st reaction:  Fear

Was your baby planned?  Very, very much so

When was the baby conceived?  I have no idea. The last TTC cycle was horrible, if I’m being honest. DH felt so much pressure and I was on micro-management overdrive. We had sex every day whether we liked it or not.

How far were you when you found out?  Incredibly early. I think 7 or 8dpo

How did your parents react?  Cautiously excited

My baby

Due Date: Dec 5, 2015. That date will probably change to the end of November next week. I ovulated really early.

Do you know the sex?  Nope. Soon, I hope.

Any names?  We finally have our names picked out.

Any Ultrasounds?  Too many to count, because I’ve had an ectopic recently.

Have you heard the heart beat?  I listen to it every day on our doppler 😀

Who do you think it will look like?  That’s a crap shoot with our genetics!

Will the baby have siblings?  A big brother

Have you felt the baby move?  Right now I’ve been feeling my uterus move. Stretching and pushing, etc. I blame scar tissue from my c-section and the ectopic surgery.

Miscellaneous

Did you have morning sickness?  Awful MS. Nausea 24/7 and threw up for a few weeks.

Did you have any cravings?  Everything is an aversion. Everything.

Did you have any mood swings?  Less than my pregnancy with our son!

Are you a high risk pregnancy?  I don’t think so, now that we know baby is where he/she belongs. I did have GD with Teddy, but I don’t think that makes me high risk this time.

Any complications?  None so far.

Formula or Breastfeeding?  I’m going to try again with the boob. It was an epic failure last time and I did not enjoy it AT ALL (bonding, shmonding…Teddy and I bonded more than you can imagine while we were alone together for the first six months of his life, thankyouverymuch.)

Have you bought anything for the baby yet?  Nope

When did you start to show? I have a blump. It’s awful and it makes me look fat.

How long could you wear your regular clothes? I had to buy maternity pants pretty early because of the bloat from my progesterone suppositories/pregnancy bloat in general. I am not ashamed…in fact, I am quite comfy.

Will you keep the baby’s clothes?  Probably not, as this will be our last

Home or Hospital?  Hospital. Repeat c-section.

Natural or Medicated birth?  Considering I’ll be gutted like a fish, I would like medication bitte.

Who will be in the delivery room with you?  I dunno if German hospitals allow the husband to be in the OR!

Do you think you will need a C-section?  Yup!

Will you cry when you hold the baby for the 1st time?  I might. I’ve lost so much on this journey. To actually be able to hold my living child? Yes. Yes, I will cry.

What’s the 1st thing you might say to the baby?  Hi!

Will you let anyone video tape the birth?  Nah!

Are you excited?  Yes!!!

Who will help you with the baby after the birth?  Eric 🙂

What is your favorite thing about being pregnant?  The ending, ha!

What is the worst thing about being pregnant?  Heartburn, aversions, getting fat, HIPS FROM HELL.

What’s one thing you miss doing since being pregnant?  lots of wine

Any days you wish you were not pregnant?  nope.

Are you ready for a baby?  I think so! It’ll be a challenge with a toddler, but I think we’re ready.

Do you have insurance?  Yup!

How many kids do you want?  2

Do you talk to the baby?  Once in a while. I’m still scared to get attached.

Do you still feel attractive?  Not really, no

Have you had your baby shower yet?  Second baby, I don’t want a shower!

Do you like kids?  I love kids. Sassy little assholes.

How far along are you now?  11.5

Thoughts on fit pregnancy

KILL ME. Those are my thoughts right now.

Just did an hour on my elliptical. A very slow hour (2.4-2.8) with zero resistance. “Get the body moving!” I said to myself. I WAS A FOOL.

All kidding aside, I’m glad to have my elliptical here. Sometimes walking around by myself can get dull, and sometimes the wind and pollen here in Germany are a bit much. I watched the Ocean Giants doc on blu ray and enjoyed a nice cool breeze!

I need to make sure to keep a handle on my weight during this pregnancy, for reasons both vain and practical.

I carry your heart in mine

This morning I heard my baby’s heartbeat via our Angel Sounds doppler (which arrived three weeks earlier than expected! WA HOO!). I have never heard a more beautiful sound in my life.

It took about 20 minutes to find it, and at one point I had to lay on my side for about 30 seconds to switch things up. After that, I found it pretty easily! It was very faint, much fainter than the sound of my own heartbeat, and so much faster! I lost track of it after about a half a minute, but that was the best half a minute in the world. I took Teddy’s heartbeat for granted, to be honest. I had typical “new mom” fears while I was pregnant with him, but I never for one second truly thought that I would lose him because I didn’t know. I had one loss under my belt at that time, but it was a loss that I almost didn’t count because I hadn’t known I was pregnant and I was doing everything wrong (I was a barista, and drinking three quad shot drinks a day…on top of heavily drinking and barely sleeping and smoking like a chimney). So in my naive little head, I thought that even if I had fears, nothing would go wrong. I loved hearing his heartbeat with the doppler, it was as gorgeous to me then as it is now when I put my ear to his chest or back as he sleeps when I tuck him in each night. But the significance of hearing this baby’s heartbeat is different. I still expect to lose this baby, because I am now programmed to expect loss. I’m a shell of the person I used to be when it comes to pregnancy. I don’t say that to get pity, I say it to convey the facts of the situation. It’s why I had such trouble with the smoking; in my mind, this pregnancy wasn’t going to play out anyway so why bother quitting? OHHHH and speaking of that, I am doing so well. Each day becomes less nicotine and the urge to smoke is almost completely gone. I am a proud mama bear right now.

I go back to the doctor on Monday, and I’m hoping to see a swimmy, squirmy little baby. I’m excited. I’m actually excited. A little bit nervous? Sure. Of course! A LOT a bit nervous! But for the first time, I’m starting to feel some real confidence.

Quick Update

For the first time in my life, cutting back nicotine has been successful. YAY! I am almost at the end of the “cutting back” journey, and I’m so proud. It has been seamless. So that is excellent news, yes? Wahoo!

The pregnancy is progressing as per the norm. I can feel my uterus stretching this time, which is freaky to say the least. I had HORRIBLE round ligament pain last night when I sat down to pee. It was terrifying. Thankfully it passed as soon as I readjusted my torso/hips…but still. That was an awful feeling.

My cramps come and go, but lately they feel different from period cramps and more like growth. It’s hard to explain what makes the feeling different; maybe it’s a sense of fullness now that the uterus is bigger? I can feel it pushing against my pelvic bone and struggling to move upward. Weird, right?

My hips are already giving me issues, but I’ll start wearing the SI belt that Eric bought me a few months ago and all should be well. I’m so thankful for that thing; I already wore it once last week and it changed everything instantly. Hopefully it will help to make this pregnancy easier than my pregnancy with Teddy. I’m not convinced that it will make it all go away, but I’m sure it will at least lessen the pain significantly.

As for day to day life, nothing too exciting to report. Teddy is doing well in school and his English AND German vocabulary is expanding every day. He has a crush on Pippi Longstocking (whom he refers to as “Peepee”), he is obsessed with chicken tacos, and he thinks putting icing and sprinkles on cakes is just the best thing ever. His current obsession is the night sky, and he now has glow in the dark stars on the ceiling above his bed; he grabs our little flashlight every night before bed and shines it on them so that they glow for him. It’s adorable! He turns 3 in two weeks, and I’m just in utter disbelief about it.

So that’s that. I see my OB again on the 11th and will hopefully have good news and a nice picture of the little baby to share. Fingers crossed!

7w2d and a little bit of honesty.

I am 7w2d! HUZZAH! Before I get into the meat of this post, I’ll update on how things are going. Saw the baby again at 6w5d, nice healthy heartbeat and a great size. Everything looks wonderful. No more bleeding, nada! My acid reflux is out of control, but that’s the fault of the progesterone suppositories. I HATE THEM. My doctor isn’t down to lower the dosage from 600mg a day, so I’m stuck. Also, no sex for 4 more weeks because she wants to put more space between the bleeding and the present. Poor husband.

6w5d, baby and yolk sac.

Now for the honesty thing. I’m ashamed of this. Please bear with me.

I’m having more trouble completely quitting smoking than I thought I would. After each of my previous losses, I picked them back up. This time I’m having trouble putting them down. Is it fear? Stress? Maybe. It’s going to happen, but I needed to open up about this somewhere. I feel like the world’s worst mother because how the fuck is this ok? Why can’t my brain get on board with me now?? Part of it is probably because I’m terrified, and scarred a bit from my last two losses. I feel so much shame and anger at myself. I’ve arranged for Teddy to stay in school for lunch for the rest of the week and I’ve asked my friends to hang out with me each morning to keep me busy, so tomorrow will be my fresh start.

I know that refraining from judgment of this will be hard if you’ve never been a smoker, or if dropping them was somehow simple for you. All I ask is to send me some good vibes for strength. I want to do this more than anything, I want to protect this baby that I’ve fought so hard for. I need to find the peace to let go of all of my demons and trauma and feel confident in this pregnancy and myself. I know I can do this. I know it.

I have so many things to update you all on.

Things here in Deutschland have been nothing but hectic, but mainly because I’m so nauseous I can hardly function.

4w5d, right where it belongs.

Things with the baby are going well so far. I had a scare last weekend, though, and it’s got me all sorts of nervous. Right before bed I decided to do a neti pot, and as I was touching my toes to get the drainage going I felt a huge gush of warm liquid from down there and I just knew something was wrong. Ran into the bathroom to find that I had bled through my panty liner, and saw that there were small clots. I lost my mind. We knew it wasn’t ectopic because we had an ultrasound done at 4w5d and saw a teeny little gestational sac right where it belonged…if we hadn’t have seen that, I would have thought it was tubal again based on the color of the blood. At this point, I was convinced that I was losing the pregnancy.

We frantically called around until one of Eric’s coworkers said she would stay in the house while we went to the ER, as Teddy was asleep. I really didn’t want to go to the hospital, but it was a weekend and there were clots. If it weren’t for the clots and my history with ectopic pregnancies, I would have stayed home. Luckily for us, the hospital was pretty empty for a Friday night and we were seen by the OBGYN right away. She did an ultrasound and there was the baby, with a nice strong heartbeat! The bleeding stopped after that one gush and she could offer no explanation for it, though she did had to mark me down as “abortus imminus” (or threatened miscarriage in America) just because I had bled.

5w5d. My, how you’ve grown!

So tomorrow I will see my regular doc and once again be able to check in on the bean. I’m praying and praying and praying that she or he has grown and that the heartbeat is steady and strong and that everything is right on track the way it should be. Happy thoughts!

I’ll have a travel update soon, but I’m pretty overwhelmed with the desire to puke in every direction. Bear with me!